DATING TIPS FOR THE LADIES

Don’t waste money on expensive lingerie to impress your man. Simply staple doilies to your ordinary underwear.

Trick men into thinking your boobs are more voluptuous than they are by wearing padded push up bras. When they complain in the bedroom remind them that they too have been devious by concealing their massive porn collection (trust me, they have one).

Talk about your ex-boyfriends prowess in the bedroom. He will act nonchalant but secretly this will infuriate him and ensure that he stops at nothing to pleasure you.

Don’t dress up. This will give him the impression that you’re not into him and guys love a challenge.

Don’t let him out of your sight. Ever. He will be looking for an opportunity to cheat on you when your back is turned.

A lacey bra is very sexy but don’t waste money on matching panties, by the time guys get there, no matter how fancy, they’re just a nuisance (that one could be ambiguous but it works both ways)


DATING TIPS FOR THE GUYS

Teenage boys. Avoid having to buy expensive designer underwear by wearing your trousers properly.
(lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground!)

Avoid the tedium of foreplay by playing a Barry White CD. Sneak out the room for minutes to watch sport then return to find that the work has been done.

Avoid having to pay for you girlfriends meal by sneaking a cockroach in when she’s about halfway through. She probably won’t order dessert after that either.

Don’t waste money on expensive rough rider condoms, simply contract genital warts

Buy her plastic roses. Real roses will shrivel up and die but plastic roses last a lifetime. As an added bonus spray them with toilet freshener and create that special scent that will warm her heart and melt off those knickers.

Save money on flowers by shopping at the local cemetery

Don’t waste money on expensive restaurants. Cook her a dinner at home, using candles will save money on electricity too. She will think you’re very romantic when in reality you’re being a sneaky weasel.

Avoid going on blind dates. You may end up having to pay for the guide dog’s meal as well.

Fellas. Don't waste money on fake teddy bears imported all the way from China. Simply go to America and find a dead baby bear cub and stuff it with newspaper.

Make your own Champagne by placing ordinary white wine in the soda stream machine

Give her a voucher for a free massage from yourself. She will think it’s cute but you’ll benefit by ensuring that it’s a massage with a “happy ending”


DATING TIPS FOR SINGLES:

Ladies and homosexuals. The phrase twenty men for twenty ten only works this year. .

Pretend you're having hot Valentine sex by parking your car on the side of the road and steaming up your windows using a 'travel kettle' plugged into the cigarette lighter

Avoid the embarrassment of being rejected by placing a question mark instead of your name at the end of your Valentines note

Ladies. Avoid ever getting a date by taking advice from feminist columnists who say things like “never be available- if he’s available Tuesday, you’re available Thursday.”

Poorly endowed men. Liposuction your legs, this will make your penis appear comparatively bigger.

Christian girls. Guys actually see the crucifix around your neck as more of a challenge.

Online daters. Don’t post old pictures of yourself when you were thin. When you finally go on a date they will notice that you’re fat.

Guys. Fool girls into thinking you have a big penis by wearing large shoes.

A few relevant tips from previous posts

Sex lines are a wonderful resource for single people but can become costly. Save money by phoning your local department store and ask them to describe their latest line of ladies lingerie, while masturbating furiously.

Losing weight is a great way to look your best and increase your chances of attracting a mate. Try eating raw pork or rancid tuna the subsequent food poisoning/ should result in 4 to 5 kilos weight loss in just 2 days.

Lots of love

Naytus